I've been bested by a bug. Twice. In the last week and a half.

I hate being afraid of bugs, I really do.  I recognize it as objectively irrational, but still cannot calm the terror that wells up inside me.  I've said it before, but I always feel compelled to reiterate.  This is not a girly "ew, gross!" type of thing... I get very worked up when people imply I need to just "get over it".  Oh trust me, I've tried.  I've begun breaking down the fear a little, realizing which situations/bugs/etc cause the reaction more strongly and which I can talk myself down from.  This has helped a little, but sometimes the bugs still best me.

If you want some background reading here is a link to a post from last Feb about a similar run-in.

Before I left for Chicago, I had a run-in with a Palmetto bug in my apartment.  I was horrified and terrified and had no idea what to do.  I was talking to myself (out loud, probably) and telling myself... "There is a thing that rational people do in this situation.  Regular people don't have a panic attack right now.  I am an adult.  I live on my own.  I have a great job.  I pay my bills and keep two cats alive.  There is something to do in this situation.  Now... what is it??"  I eventually got through it (with the aid of a couple friends on the phone and a Dyson vacuum cleaner), but it took like 2 hours of my life.  Ridiculous.

Today was almost worse.  There was an upside down palmetto bug on my kitchen floor that I believed to be dead.  I was sort of avoiding dealing with it so walked by it several times (in large arcs) thinking "later".  One trip past though caught my attention because I thought I saw it twitch.  Sure enough, I looked again and it was wriggling trying to turn itself back over.

*breathe*

I got my Raid in hand, shooed the cats away and sprayed with what might have been a little too much wild abandon.  Bug killed dead.  As advertised.  But now I have poison all over my floor and a dead, wet roach.  I lock myself and my cats in my bedroom and try not to think about it. 

This isn't an effective long term plan since i do eventually have to let my cats out and I have to clean up all the poison before I can do that.  Anyway to make a drawn out and stupid story less drawn out (but no less stupid), I come to realize that even though the bug is drenched in poison and I KNOW it is dead, I still can't get near it.

I ended up scooting a paper bag on the floor with a swiffer stick along until it half scooped it up, and got it out of the wet-with-Raid area, then put a bucket upside down on it.  Then I cleaned up the Raid and let my cats back out.  I'll deal with the bucket later.  Or I'll hire a maid.

Brilliant.

Anyway, here is my highly scientific list of what makes my run-ins with bugs worse.

1.  Contained spaces.  Being inside (even inside a large space) is always worse.  Being inside my *own* space (my home or to a lesser extent, my office) is on the more extreme panic attack version of the scale.

2.  Things that fly at me.  Or run toward me.  Especially in a spastic manner.  I have yet to be afraid of a roly poly.  I'm even not afraid of spiders.  They're smart, they keep to themselves or run away.  Thumbs up to snails and caterpillars.  Biiiig thumbs down to cicadas, palmetto bugs, flying crickets, grasshoppers, june bugs and bees.

I have learned that my current nemesis, the Palmetto bug (aka fucking huge flying roaches) flies at people because they believe people to be trees (and they live in trees when not scaring me to death in my home).  It is comforting to know they aren't trying to attack me, but I do doubt I will be able to remember that rational fact next time I am faced with the situation.

3.  I do not think that bugs are gross.  I do not wish for bugs to be dead.  I just want them to be alive, away from me.  Or I want to be alive, away from them.  If I am able to, I will catch them and release them outside.  If someone else is dealing with it for me, I strongly encourage them to do the same.  Still sometimes, it is inevitable and while it does actually, um, bug me to kill them, sometimes I just have to move on with my life.

4.  Body mass and exoskeletons.  If they have weight when they hit me or make a crunch that can be heard and really felt when crushed, I will have nightmares. 'Nuff said.

5.  Ears.  Please, bugs, stay away from my ears.  Even the smallest gnat can send me into a panic if I hear it buzz right next to my ear.

6.  Nighttime.  I can deal with everything better in the daylight.  Even if it's inside, I can still deal with it better if it is daytime.

I think my point is that I need to move somewhere that doesn't have tropical insects.