panic attacks and tropical bugs
Every since I was a very small person, I have been truly terrified of most bugs. Not in an "ew, gross!" way, but in a way that can only stem from an extremely overactive imagination in early childhood that must have imagined majorly terrifying things that they could do to me. And other than to the idea of killing them, I don't actually have a "ew, gross!" reaction to bugs at all, really. Just... blind panic.
A great story that my mom liked to tell went like this. I was about 6, and had gone to the neighbor's house to borrow/return something from/to my friend. My mom expect I would stay a bit, so didn't think it was odd that I didn't come home immediately. I, however, tried to come home immediately. It was dark, though, and so our front porch light was on. And it was surrounded by bugs, so I wouldn't even get close. I tried going back to my friend's house, but they'd turned on their light when I showed up the first time, so now their light also was surrounded by bugs. I didn't know what to do, so I stood about 20 feet away from the front door, looking forlorn and crying my eyes out. A woman driving by saw me and drove around the block a few times, trying to assess the situation. She finally stops, and knocks on our front door. "Ma'am, is that your little girl crying in the yard?" My mom was embarrassed, to say the least. But it was a story told often to illustrate my refusal to interact with bugs. After that, we got a motion detector light, so the bugs wouldn't be hanging out waiting for me.
Logically, I know it doesn't make sense. I know they are an extremely small fraction of my size and very few of them can do more to me than make a small itchy spot on me, if I even let them get that close. It's a crazy irrational fear and I hate hate hate it. I don't stand around crying about it anymore, but it does still bring up very unpleasant panicky feelings.
At various times I've tried to "train" myself out of it. For example, this summer in Germany, the bees seemed to really like me. I knew that if I just stayed still and left them alone, they'd leave me alone... but that hardly stopped me from panicking and flailing about like a moron. I'm just glad Nathanael never got a photo of that happening. At least if he did get a photo, he had the decency to not to show it to me. Anyway, over the course of the summer, I was eventually able to make myself stay still, and not flail about, but my internal reaction never changed. I was still having a near heart attack, I was just able to look calm while I did it.
It's worse with some bugs than others, but I've got lists of stories I could share about the subject. Cicadas, grasshoppers and crickets rank pretty high up there on the list of things that will cause a full-on panic situation. Junebugs were a constant source of trauma in my formative years.
Again, yes, I know it doesn't make sense.
The reason I'm writing about this now is because my bathroom is currently barricaded off. Why? Because there is a cockroach in it. And not one of those little northern cockroaches, but one of those gigantic tropical ones. I leave the balcony door open a lot, so I assume that's how it got in here. Balcony door is closed now. I put Spizzy in there for a while, because she's actually pretty good at catching bugs... but it just crawled up the wall, and then she got bored.
I feel remarkably silly letting a bug keep me out of part of my own apartment -- and an important part, at that! But it's a quite large bug, and it makes me very unhappy.
I write this with no current resolution to the problem, other than that I can add this to my list of things I don't like about living alone (it's a short list, for the record, the only other thing on it so far is that if I can't open a jar, it just... doesn't get opened).
Comments
But i think it's good you didn't go with that 5 minute idea for NZ the Native Weta would have sent you insane
But now that I've looked up the Wiki article on the Weta, I have to agree that I would not get along with them.
for since your surrounded by nature in NZ, wetas are everywhere
I'm usually pretty bad being Wirehead, Killer Of Bugs, because invariably I'll be in the middle of something when Mrs. Wirehead spots an insect. But I do a good job as Wirehead, Buff Studtastic Man, and Opener Of Hard To Open Cans. Sometimes I don't even do a muscle-man pose afterwards.
I suffer at the highest stage of the disorder. I cannot look at images of them (photos, drawings, cartoons, etc.) I cannot watch A Bug's Life or Antz. I watched the first scene of Pan's Labyrinth and had to spend 15 minutes with my head between my legs, deep breathing to stave off the faint. I once spent 4 hours sleeping on a tiled floor because a bug was on the staircase that went up to my bedroom. I once taped an entire doorway shut with masking tape and a dining tablecloth because a moth was on the other side somewhere. My high school friends didn't believe how serious my fear was and wanted to "freak me out" one day. They all held up the bug-y page from our bio textbook (I had covered up those pages in my book with post-its and tape from day 1). I passed out. They believed me after that.
Worst part. Francisco wanted to move to DC and my absolute number one reason to oppose that move was....cicadas. I really tried to be reasonable, but the idea of those things every 7 years was enough to cause weeping fights in our apartment as he struggled to understand the magnitude of the problem and I fretted about the weeks and months leading up to the "invasion" and to the concept of them crunching underfoot and swarming in the grass. As you now know, we *are* going to DC, but I have the names of several therapists in the area who handle specialized round-the-clock consultation during cicada seasons and who I've heard are decent at helping people cope. Francisco says we can also just have a child every 7 years and make those months my "confinement." But I intend to draw the line at my fear of bugs requiring me to conceive on their timetable!!!!!!
My biggest feared bugs are the ones in the locust family. I also hate caterpillars and butterflies with a passion. But my deepest darkest fear is actually a bug I have never seen in real life. Still the very thought of it strikes such terror into my heart I do not even call it by name for the name alone makes me shudder. It is called a p. m. and I do not want to talk about it. If I ever see one, I will break down.
A cause? I grew up in the tropics with crap flying into our windows and hanging out in our garden all the freaking time. You name it. Flying tropical roaches, big black and yellow spiders, little scorpions, gross green things...the works. I remember a time when I was young and I would catch things and put them in jars. But then I recall an incident. And maybe this was THE incident. I went into my bedroom and saw a dead green spiky bug on my carpet. I didn't like picking up corpses, so I left it and stepped carefully. Later that same day, I ran into my room and forgot about the body. I stepped directly on it. The spiky tail lodged in the skin of my second toe...the two little horns lodged in the skin of my big toe. It was firmly embedded between my toes. I panicked. I screamed. Then screamed more. For 20 minutes, I screamed. Then our housekeeper, who had heard me from the road outside our house finally came in and removed it. I think the damage was done.
It's pretty bad, Em. As a psych student, I looked into having this "cured" so many times, but sometimes just reading about the therapies would send me into that sweating, fainting state and I couldn't even gather up the guts to call one of these people. Especially not the ones who aim to get you to hold one. Mortification. Anyhow. I just wanted to share because it is nice to hear when one is not alone. Thank you :)
I must say, I was in DC during the last Cicada infestation (only for a day or two, but it was more than enough), and it was... not fun. I was a mess, and beyond stressed out. I still have risidual trauma. It is a situation that would cause me great concern if I was ever seriously considering living in DC for an extended period of time, so I feel your pain. Do let me know if your therapists introduce a good coping method for you.
Oh, and pleeeease don't remind me that the roaches fly. I get woozy just thinking about it.
But what amazes me that Laura totally grew up in DC! And if *she* says cicadas are survivable, there's gotta be hope, right?
:(
Crap crap crap. Yeah I'm totally freaking out about DC summers to come. I am wondering whether I can just set up a cot in my office at the firm and never leave until the whole thing passes? I'd sure as hell bill a lot of hours...
Also, I am really trying to talk myself into believing that therapists can help, but when I need to get from point A to point B and the path is littered with cicadas, praytell, what can any 3rd party do in that situation? *sigh* The things we do for love :(